by Leslie Fish
Special to L. Neil Smith’s The Libertarian Enterprise
They were having a sale at the gun-store, and the Jukes boys decided to go.
With the moonshine gone bad and the poaching gone thin, their business was going quite slow.
So they bought them a lot of hand-cannons, intent upon robbery and more,
But they never once stopped to consider that they weren’t alone in the store.
Next in line was a little old lady. After her came a handsome young dame.
After her was a man in a wheelchair, then a lad with an underweight frame.
They watched as the Jukes boys were buying, and considered what such lads would do.
Then they looked at each other, they said not a word, but bought themselves hand-cannons too.
That night Billy Jukes went out hunting. He spotted a girl who looked great.
But when he pulled her into an alley, she pulled out a big .38.
He thought this was feminine bluffing. “Now girl, you can’t shoot me,” he said.
The very next second, she proved he was wrong — and Billy Jukes quite lost his head.
Now Joey Jukes went for the money, so he went to a big liquor store
And he pulled out his two-barreled shotgun the moment he came in the door.
He aimed at all present and bellowed: “Give me all you’ve got, or you’re dead!”
So the counter-boy hefted his .44 Mag and did just what Joey Jukes said.
Now Beauregard Jukes chose his victims with more care and planning by far.
He jumped on a little old lady who was just getting into her car.
But she promptly reached into her handbag and used the best choice she could make,
For a .45 Auto has such light recoil as even a frail hand can take.
Now Roy Jukes was good at house-burgling, and still thought he’d escape without harm
When the owner rolled in with a shotgun braced on his wheelchair’s arm.
“Hey, they’ll bust you for shooting–” Roy started, but the man’s shotgun cut off the lot,
And he said, as he muscled Roy’s corpse out the door: “There are no ballistics on shot.”
So that was the end of the Jukes boys. The cops had to clean up the mess,
So they slandered gun-owning civilians all over the Liberal press,
But the victors who might have been victims, though silent, all know this is true:
That so long as there’s one weapon left in the world, you’d better have you a gun too.
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