Indians Have the Bomb!

by Steven Martin Cohen
[email protected]

Special to The Libertarian Enterprise

         It seems that these days everyone wants an atomic bomb of their very own. Every self-proclaimed nation is flexing its international muscle to prove that its physicists can also implement nuclear fission while simultaneously poisoning their civilian population with the necessary chemistry.
         Well, add to that growing nuclear fraternity the Indians -- no, not the Indian Indians, tucked away in starving, overpopulated India -- the American Indians.
         The Apache Nation has just detonated its first atomic bomb in the American southwest as scores of tourists helplessly watched, too horrified even to lift their point-and-shoot cameras to film the mushroom cloud.
         Apache scientists and observers rode on horseback, single file, wearing ceremonial headdresses and war paint, out to a hilltop overlooking the test site in their reservation research facility. At high noon they said a prayer to their great ancestral spirits. Then Crazy Spectroscope, the project scientist and part time auto mechanic, gave the countdown and pressed the button. A brilliant light flashed, and the ground rumbled. Asked about the success of the test, Apache spokesperson Dances With Spin told eager reporters, "The explosion was satisfactory, and we are delighted with the results. This was the equivalent of a thirty giga-arrow energy release. More tests are planed for later this year."
         The U.S. Secretary of the Interior was not available for comment, but a Pentagon spokesperson said that this explosion released more energy than had been cumulatively expended in all our conflicts with all the Native American Persons of all combined tribal persuasions since the white man's arrival on the continent -- including simulated energy release during all the battle re-enactments for movies, television, HBO specials, and live events.
         U.S. officials fear this will set off a Native American Persons arms race the U.S. government will be legally helpless to stop.
         The Sue Nation is reported to be researching the possibility of a fusion device, and the owners of the Foxwood Casino and Resort Hotel remain tight-lipped about their plans for nuclear proliferation and the development of a Native American Person neutron bomb.
         One analyst at a Washington based think tank said that a nuclear device, in and of itself, is not as dangerous as it might seem, because the delivery system is as important as the warhead. But U2 flights over the Apache reservation have confirmed satellite surveillance photos revealing what appears to be a football field-sized bow and arrow which, it is feared, could hurl an atomic device 10 or 12,000 feet, thus endangering outlying small U.S. ghost towns and numerous nonexistent military installations.
         U.S. army General "Wild Bill" Bunker simply said, "Damn redskins. Now I got them to worry about, too. See what happens when you give back land. I don't understand their problem -- weren't they happy selling trinkets and drinking whiskey?"
         Bureau of Native American Persons Affairs Chief Marvin Finkelstein thinks not. He said, "The Native American is a free and creative spirit in the wind. The United States government has taken away their land, their buffalo, their clean rivers, and now the government wishes to take away their happy mining grounds and the right to explode uranium too? I think not. Uranium bombs are the last bargaining chips the defeated and humiliated Native American person has."
         General Bunker angrily responded, "Bargaining chips? What do you call all those fancy casinos? I lost a thousand bucks in the slots alone. These people are rolling in dough we can't even tax. Now they want the bomb also? Next thing you know, the negroes will have the bomb. What's this world coming to? It's those damn liberals got us into this mess."
         Recently released CIA documents reveal that nations of the negro persuasion are closing in on nuclear capability, though. Reports indicate that Jamaica, Haiti, Chad, Uganda, and Nigeria are working on their own atomic bombs. There are also rumors of clandestine Eskimo nuclear research being conducted in secret igloos under the cover of permanent frost, and concerned government officials fear a dog sled delivery system could cross the U.S. border in the dead of winter to threaten Detroit and possible strategic slums throughout the northeast.
         General Bunker threw up his hands in disgust. "Whale fat and wife swapping wasn't good enough for the Eskimos, huh? I thought the cold war was over, but this new Eskimo thing adds a whole new dimension to the cold war."
         Not to be outdone by the Native American Person achievement, other minority groups are responding with crash nuclear programs. Feminist groups are working on their own nuclear enrichment while gay and lesbian research teams are working side by side to develop a proprietary same-isotope cohabitation program in a single warhead environment. Hispanic research is off to a slow start, but the bilingual nuclear enhancement program is picking up speed with the update of their periodic table which formerly possessed no elements beyond neon.
         In a frenzy to achieve parity with everyone else, countries, minorities, factions, juntas, and splinter groups are accelerating their nuclear programs, and fission is on everyone's mind. American universities are stepping up atomic physics programs to meet rising world demand for weapons-grade qualified personnel, and student aid is being provided by, strange as it seems, the U.S. government.

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