Enslaving Private Ryan

by Michael J. Bates
[email protected]

Special to TLE

           Get offa the damn phone an' drive, you idiot, an' get the hell outta the fast lane while yer at it! Middle-aged white guy with a big ol' attitude comin' through! Damnation, I wish these droopers would get offa the road when I'm usin' it. Yuppie fools got about as much use for four wheel drive as I have for a hair net.
           I was just down at "Dirty Neck" Hickey's Guns & Bait & Feed & Grain Emporium talkin' with some of the boys an' I'm more than hot right now. We was talkin' 'bout how we're tired of bein' "protected" by a bunch of laws written by a bunch of empty suits that're too dumb to figure out how to run an elevator. All they REALLY do is force us to get permission from the government before we can go to the "environment safe" toilet. On top of all that, my ol' woman, Margaret, called an' said our hog, Madeleine, had done busted through the side of the barn an' ate up a whole passle of baby chicks. I Swanee!
           This here's some of them laws an' ideas that don't look much like freedom to me...
           CAMPAIGN 2000 -- Great big ol' peckin' party full of chickens who don't have enough sense to get out of the road, much less cross it. ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Haven't you scumbags done enough to America without us havin' to listen to you deny it every four years? Just lie to us about what you "stand for" an' shut up. No fair changin' it next day either, you twerps! Your "debates" are the cause of people fallin' asleep with cigarettes in their hands an' startin' house fires. Your sound bytes are the fingernails on the chalkboard of my life. Your "visions for America" are not only delusional, they're downright spooky. You're all so dumb you'd have to study for a blood test! Little John, you're not a war hero, you're a war survivor, an' it doesn't mean squat so shut up about it. George, what the hell is it you want to do? Quit mumblin' an' speak up. Al, I don't see how you have time to do anything since you're so busy inventin' everthing an' takin' money from Communist Chinamen. Bill, dribblin' ain't exactly a leadership quality I look for. Pat, folks with a Bible in one hand an' a flag in the other make me nervous. Jesse, I ain't got time to pay attention to ya. If this is the best America can do, it's time to call in the dogs an' put out the fire 'cause the hunt is OVER. We're all doomed.
           NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS -- National free ride for any yahoo with a crayon an' a sheet of blank paper is what it looks like to me! Why on earth should I have to pay some beret-head to finger paint!? Every time a stoned out "art" student, shrouded all in black an' wearin' day-glo hair wads up a lump of silly putty I'm supposed to fork over some of my hard-earned cash in order to keep 'im supplied with Magic Markers an' blunt nose scissors. That about the size of it? Road Apples! I don't claim to know a thing about art, but I do know this; the good stuff gets kept an' the junk gets junked, just like in real life. Nobody should have to pay for somebody else's choice to try an' be an "artist." If you're doin' good work, there're a million "art critics" who can't draw a straight line that'll tell everybody about it. If yer paintin' frescoes on the ceilin' of the Sistine 7-11, then I don't give a damn an' I don't want to pay for it! This ain't right!
           SMART GUNS -- No, they ain't. This here is one of Billy Jeff's brainstorms. He wants gun makers to make guns with little bitty computer chips in 'em that will only let the guns fire if the person with the right fingerprints is holdin' 'em. How about we try 'em out first with all the government gunslingers you've got runnin' around out there shootin' innocent citizens? If they work as well as the computer chip that keeps goin' belly-up in Biggun Stump's TV down at the Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait in the back), we'll have a lot less folks with holes in 'em after the ATF gets through protectin' 'em to death! Take a look at what this idea means to me on an everyday practical basis: I have four guns I keep around the house for self defense an' varmint shootin' here on the ranch. If I'm the only one who can use those guns, that leaves the rest of my family defenseless. That ain't gonna happen! I've got three young 'uns and one wife. This means I've got to buy eighteen more guns, four fer each, plus two extra hide-out pieces for the women. This'll take the number of self defense guns, in my house alone, from four to TWENTY-TWO!
           Saaay ... wait a minute here ... when I think about it ... DANG, Billy Jeff, this here's a GREAT idea. I ain't even counted the huntin' 'an target shootin' guns around here. Hell boy, time I get through obeyin' your new law, I'll have upwards of SIXTY-TWO guns around my house! Damn son, that there's a FINE idea. Since this is goin' to be a government program, an' since the wife an' kids are minorities, I know you'll be sendin' the money for all these new guns to 'em real soon. I know how you'd hate to see 'em get left behind on that level playin' field you an' Hillary are always goin' on about. My Margaret's got her heart set on a new slim-line Glock .45. Little Lori can't wait to get her hands on her own, fingerprint-personal, Armalite .308 cal. insult rifle. Hurry on up now, Billy Jeff, an' get that check in the mail will ya? Many thanks.
           INTERNET POLICE -- This here is a totalitarian government idea the Butcher of Waco wants to try out right here in America. What she wants to do is have some "Internet police" monitor the Internet for folks she says might -- just maybe, someday, on a whim -- think about commitin' a crime, then decide to broadcast it, secret-like, to everybody in the galaxy. She's only goin' to look for criminals, she says. Breakin' every law on every book in every state in the union don't count if SHE's the one doin' it, I reckon. Madam Gas-Em only wants to get after folks like...oh, I don't know...saay, women, kids, folks who believe in God, anyone who disagrees with current administration policies, people that believe The Constitution of The United States of America is pretty much all the federal law we need in this country, and any other subversive types like that. Miss Janet's proven herself to be real good at findin' dangerous subversive types. Remember how she found a whole gunny sack full of 'em bein' dangerous an' subversive at Bible study down there in Waco? Po-liced them folks right into grave she did. Those they could find enough left of to identify and bury. Lady Gunship wasn't around for Ruby Ridge, but the "policeman" who shot a "subversive" 14 year old boy an' his momma helped form her philosophy on protectin' Americans. Why, he even shot their subversive K-9 American! As a reward for his courage in participatin' in the murder of these two folks and their dog, Reno sent him to Waco so he could practice shootin' subversive church congregations. I don't know, Janet, this idea sounds a little shaky to me. How about you send ME all the equipment an' policemen an' we'll try it out on YOU and YOUR people first? We can set it all up right here in my bunker, er uh, basement. We'll snoop and read your mail for a while an' if we find anything we think is criminal or subversive we'll apply your own "Waco Solution" to the problem. That way, nobody worth anything gets hurt. Let me know what you think, but don't Email it, ya never know who's lookin' at it.
           SENSITIVITY TRAINING IN THE ARMED FORCES -- Billy Jeff, you should have spent some time in a uniform, instead of runnin' around chasin' everything in a skirt. Goin' to college an' majorin' in treasonous, totalitarian tyranny 1-A has left you a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic when it comes to knowin' anything about how the military works. I served three years in the Army -- one year in the "police action" over in Southeast Asia. From the first day I got there til the day I got on that silver bird an' headed back here to the big PX, everybody who outranked me told me my sole purpose in life was to KILL the enemy. In three years of service, nobody EVER told me I was supposed to BE SENSITIVE ABOUT IT!!! You hear what I'm sayin', boy? Armies are for KILLING people an' that's ALL they're for. They are not supposed to be mass, OD green encounter groups. If that gives you the vapors or somethin', don't start any more damn wars! I know the people that have to go an' fight 'em will thank ya. YOU put all those women in combat units so they could act just like men. NOW you want all the men to act just like women. Why do you insist on ham stringin' both of 'em? If you're so hot to put women in combat, why not put 'em in their own separate units? You could call 'em "The Lady Killers" or somethin'. Put that scarred up ol' battle hog you're married to in charge of 'em. Hell, she whipped YOUR butt with a table lamp from what I hear. You want gays to fight, Billy Jeff? Lights on in yer head, ya dipstick! Gays in the military go all the way back to Alexander the Great and Hannibal, both of whom stacked asses an' took names big time. Gay men an' women have served in the military since the first cave man threw a stick at a monkey. Anybody with any sense knows that, an' anybody that denies it ain't been payin' attention. The Draft-Dodger-in Chief is the one who kicked up all this fuss over a non issue. I never had anybody turn to ME in the middle of a fire fight an' ask if I thought his helmet would look better in a pastel. Neither has anybody else in the history of warfare. Whether you're gay or un-gay, just do your duty an' don't pay any attention to that idiot who's SUPPOSED to be your Commander-in-Chief. The only assault weapon HE knows anything about is that little bitty derringer in his pants an' women all over America are prayin' Hillary's put a child-proof lock on that sorry thing.
           Well I'm finally pullin' in to the barnyard, an' sure enough, feathers an' dead baby chicks are scattered all over the place. Guess I'll have to put that smelly ol' hog, Madeleine, down. I don't really mind though. Shoot, I never did feel comfortable turnin' my back on 'er.
           Y'all take care now, hear.

Minority Mike, aka Michael J. Bates, can be reached at: [email protected]
His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.

Next to advance to the next article, or
Previous to return to the previous article, or
Table of Contents to return to The Libertarian Enterprise, Number 68, March 31, 2000.