Enslave the Earth!, by Michael J. Bates

Special to TLE

Lots of big doins goin' on in Last Ditch Attempt here lately. Everybody's in a real festive mood as we all join in an' celebrate some non-events. On Earth Day, for example, we all got together and cut down the trees behind The Last Ditch Attempt Saloon (Guns & Bait in the back) so we'd have room for a community picnic. We stripped all the bark off the logs an' donated it to PETA so they'd have somethin' to eat at the party. We sold the lumber to the Friends of the Earth. They're gonna use it to build a new Ain't It Sad Totalitarian Whinin' And Day Care Center For The Liberal Feebs Of America. With the profits, we bought some cows to slaughter so everybody could have free meat at the barbecue, an' we're tannin' the hides to be made into coats which we'll raffle off! With the raffle money we're goin' to buy some new .308 cal. insult rifles for the local division of the Jefferson Davis militia. Now doesn't that make ya proud to be an American?

Here's a couple of things we WON'T be celebratin'...

MILLION MOM MARCH - A million morons -- no waiting! Now let me get this straight. A million soccer moms in Mother Hubbards are going to strap their brats into re-called child safety seats so they can drive their gas guzzlin' SUVs across the potholed federal highway system to the District of Criminals an' demand that their own children, as well as the rest of us, be disarmed so we won't kick up a fuss when the totalitarian bastards runnin' this country start roundin' us up. That about the size of it? Road Apples!

In the first place, nobody short of an army of ATF stormtroopers could drag these idiots out of the mall long enough to march for anything other than better cellulite medication! In the second place, their internal leadership has reverted to an advertising company, thus granting them all the credibility of Al Gore's campaign finance reform scam. In the third place, the result of this non-event will be that two part-time female social workers will miss a day's work, an' Diane Feinstein, the socialist's favorite senator, will drool all over a microphone while she tries gamely, but unsuccessfully, to utter an intelligent sentence.

While the press glorifies this bunch of dim bulbs as peace activists, I prefer to label them for what they are. Ignorant, fear-driven socialists who propose a treasonous assault on the 2nd Amendment of The Constitution of The United States! These fecal-brained harpies are demanding not only their own enslavement, but yours as well. Round them up NOW! Put them on the next plane to Cuba with Elian and let them all be nice and safe and gun free. Except of course for the guns of the Totalitarian State they are so anxious to replicate in America.

Ladies, if you want to march on Mother's Day, fall in with the Second Amendment Sisters and march as an Armed Informed Mother. These gals stand for America and the Constitution, and they're real straight shooters! Literally.

ELIAN NATION - The last kid to have this much fuss raised over him was Michael Jackson, an' look how that ended up! Elian's made the top of the charts an' he don't even have a llama or a glove to stroke it with. I sympathize with the little fella, hell's fire, who wouldn't? But I'm sick of hearin' people go on about "Elian's rights." Listen up, Elian Gonzalez is an illegal alien, he HAS no rights in the United States! Nobody has to like it, but that's the way it is. End of story.

If you're concerned about rights, you'd best look to your own. Clinton an' company have been shreddin' the Consitution for eight years! While the press puts you in a coma showin' ya pictures of this kid playin' in the mud out in the backyard, the Traitor-in-Chief steals America's backyard in mult-million acre lots. While drunken fools play to television cameras, vowing to lay down their lives for Elian, corrupt fools skulk around Capitol Hill vowing to make YOU lay down your guns for world socialism! Hear that noise in the background? It's the sound of the Constitution being ripped up while a kid who isn't protected by it is hailed as the new hero on the block.

I'm wonderin', how many others have been turned back since Elian washed up? Where was the hue an' cry for them? Is Elian cute, like a dolphin, hence worthy of mercy, while others are given lab rat status and turned away? This ain't right!

Madam Gas-Em Reno has stepped in now an' vowed to give Elian his rights, an' a few lefts, too. Another picture of an ATF thug with a gun pointed at a child in the name of saving him is goin' around an' I'm bettin' there'll be another uproar over the whole deal. But I've gotta confess I'm confused, where was the outrage when a church congregation of AMERICANS was slaughtered in Waco! "Law enforcement" officers are kickin' down doors and terrorizing Americans all over this country on a daily basis, where the hell are all the cameras?

I wish Elian Gonzalez Godspeed, and I'd sure enough like to see him get a fair shake. But headlining a family custody battle concerning an illegal alien -- as news -- while ignoring the Clinton administration's unimpeded assault on the Constitution, is criminal. Left alone to continue his attack on America, rest assured that Billy Jeff will see to it that exile to Cuba will be no different than living on Main Street USA.

Biggun Stump just called an' said there's some greens runnin' around at the picnic an' they're makin' him see red! I'd best get out there or the next thing ya know Biggun will be wearin' tree-hugger skin boots! Sure hope somebody saved me a steak! Y'all take care now, hear.

Minority Mike (aka Michael J. Bates) can be reached at [email protected]. His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.

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