All Things Being Equal, by Minority Mike

Special to TLE

Seems that pack of socialist muckspouts runnin' rampant inside the Beltway over in the District of Criminals is consumed with the idea of makin' all things equal for all people. "Everybody gets everything they want," shout the empty suits on Capitol Hill, "as long as it's all the same."

Being a blind parapalegic shouldn't disqualify ya from being a wide receiver for the Packers! Hell, they're even gonna make sure two thirds of the parking spaces out at the stadium are handicapped only! Wanna fly the Concorde? Bein' 8 years old shouldn't stop ya. Let's put a stack of phone books in all the pilots' seats. Buckle up now! Ya say yer a crack-addicted, fifth-generation welfare recipient with a cash flow problem? No sweat, they'll get the workin' folks to dig a little deeper come tax time. Guns givin' yer inner child the vapors? We'll take 'em away from the 80 million lawful gun owners in America an' then only a few assorted murderous criminals will have 'em. Feel better now?

So goes the plan from inside the Beltway for those of us living on the outside. Just to keep it fair, here's a few ideas from the outside for how those on the inside should be living.

1. Legislators of every stripe seem to have a thing for interns. Intern by the way is an acronym for "bend over or hit your knees." I suggest they be given a chance to view the intern situation from the other end, so to speak. I've got a barn full of what the law makers spout every day and I need it cleaned out. Here's an excellent opportunity to learn the results of the inner workings of farm animals, Congressman! Machinery can be dangerous, so we'll dispense with the shovel you normally use and make it a real hands-on experience. Six months of this ought to teach you a bunch.

2. Elected government servants should receive free government housing. I served the government for three years in the Army and in all that time they never charged me a dime for any of the antique barracks, leaky tents or muddy bunkers I lived in. Let's put all our representatives in a HUD sponsored high-rise tenement somewhere over in the northeast section of DC. Fair is fair and they should get the same deal other veterans got.

3. All government servants should be required to wear a uniform. The armed services do it, cops do it, hell, even the mailman does it! Legislators should have the same opportunity as other goverment employees to wow the populace in their uniformed sartorial splendor. Besides, a uniform indicates that everyone's the same, and that's what they're after isn't it? My own uniform was green, but in the spirit of today's lawmakers I suggest something in red. The Chariman Mao cut might be appropriate, and of course, epaulets, shiny buttons and brass belt buckles are a must! Bring your own Brasso.

4. Today's legislator is a person on the go, and as such, they should go by public transportation. It's a hell of a lot cheaper to put all of them on a bus than to put all of us into limos! C'mon Senator, lose the corporate-sponsored jet and fly the friendly skies with the rest of us. Here's your seat, right between the sweaty fat lady and the drunken business traveler. Comfy? Sit back, relax and enjoy today's entree of "Chicken Feet Pierre with Prune Glaze and Lump Gravy." Mmmm, yummy. You are now free to move about the cabin, since you'll be trapped in it for two hours on the runway before you take off.

5. In keeping with the legislator's desire to disarm all of us, we shall now disarm all of them. No bodyguards either! Now that you're unarmed and defenseless, waddle down a street in any inner city in America after dark. Take a part-time job on the night shift in a convienience store. Take pride in knowing that you were raped and murdered while keeping the streets safe "for the children."

6. The practice of legislators going on fact finding missions will be continued. However, there will be a few changes in how these junkets are conducted. Congressman Blowhole and Senator Sneakweanie will now be restricted to finding the facts inside the boundries of the United States. Government vehicles will be provided; however, legislators will be required to spring for their own gas and vehicle mantenance same as everybody else. I suggest Yugos outfitted with Firestone tires and leftover Army surplus 8 track players. Seat belts, helmets, leather gloves, safety glasses, ear plugs, knee and elbow pads, and steel-toed boots will be the required uniform while traveling. Asbestos pants are optional, but are suggested when trying to sell the idea of gun control in any rural area in America.

7. Today's law makers are always going on about families. Protecting these families is high on the legislative agenda according to them. I suggest we let legislators due a little hands-on protecting for a change. From now on, whenever these murderous bastards decide to drop bombs on places nobody can pronounce, or abandon American troops in third world suckholes nobody ever heard of, it's them and their kids that are going to do the dirty work. This will be a wonderful opportunity for lawmakers and THEIR families to enjoy "the rocket's red glare" as it lands on them at ground zero. How's that for equality?

These are just a few ideas for giving our legislators some of the equality they're always tryin' to encumber us with. You've probably got a few ideas of your own. Drop 'em a line an' let 'em know how much you look forward to makin' all things equal!

Y'all take care now, hear?

Minority Mike aka Michael J. Bates can be reached at [email protected] His wife, Margaret, helps him with the big words in the letters you write him.

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