The John Kerry Telethon
by Jonathan David Morris
jdm@readjdm.com

Special to TLE

Tuesday, November 2, 2004, 8:08 AM:

John Kerry: Hello?

John Edwards: Hi John. John Edwards.

Kerry: Oh, hey there. How are you?

Edwards: Not bad, John. Not bad. So I guess this is it, huh? Today's the big day.

Kerry: You mean today is my birthday?

Edwards: Your birthday? What? No. Election Day, John. Today is Election Day.

Kerry: Election Day? I knew that. I always knew that. I've said so all along.

Edwards: Whatever. Well, anyway, John, I'm just calling to wish you good luck this evening. I was thinking you might want to call your opponent to wish him the same. It's the right to do, John. It'll make you look dignified.

Kerry: Dignified. Right. Thanks, John. Will do.

Click.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004, 8:21 AM:

Bill Clinton: Bill Clinton speaking.

Operator: This is the operator with a collect call from "John Kerry." Do you accept the charges?

Clinton: Well, hello there... don't you sound sexy. Who'd you say this was again?

Operator: This is the operator with a collect call from "John Kerry." Do you accept the charges?

Clinton: No, I don't accept the charges. The charges are false. So what are you wearing? You know they called me "The Operator" in college.

Click.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004, 8:24 AM:

Edwards: John Edwards speaking.

Operator: This is the operator with a collect call from "John, it's me, John Kerry." Do you accept the charges?

Edwards: The operator? What? Yeah, sure. I accept.

Kerry: Hi John. John Kerry.

Edwards: Hi John. What's up? Why are you calling collect?

Kerry: Well, I called Bill Clinton, but he—

Edwards: You what?

Kerry: I—

Edwards: No, no, I heard you the first time. I'm just not clear on why you called Bill Clinton.

Kerry: Well, you said I should call my opponent, John. Isn't that who I'm running against? I mean, I read somewhere that the Ghost of Bill Clinton looms large over this—

Edwards: That's a metaphor, John. A metaphor. You're running against George Bush.

Kerry: Oh, right. I knew that. I've never said otherwise—unless you think I should have, in which case I did. I'll talk to you later, John. I fought in Vietnam.

Click.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004, 8:29 AM:

George Bush: Good morning, George Bush speaking.

Operator: This is the operator with a collect call from "John Kerry." Do you accept the charges?

Bush: Accept the charges? And foot the bill for yet another Kerry spending spree? Thanks, but no thanks. I'll pass. Nine-eleven.

Click.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004, 8:41 AM:

Edwards: Hello. John Edwards.

Operator: This is the operator with a collect call from "Hey, John, it's me again, John Kerry, pick up." Do you accept the charges?

Edwards: Oh, for the love of God. Yes, operator. I accept.

Kerry: John. John Kerry. George wouldn't accept the charges.

Edwards: Well, maybe you should stop calling people collect, John. You really ought to save collect calls for emergencies.

Kerry: This is an emergency, John. I can't pay for my own phone calls. The Mrs. would kill me. Don't you remember what happened after last month's bill? I fought in 'Nam, John. I've died a thousand deaths. Winter soldier. Middle class. Fifty-seven varieties.

Edwards: All right, all right, I remember what happened. Teresa fit you with a hairnet and made you wash dishes to pay for the phone bill. But listen, John: That's all in the past. You're about to be president. You'll have the whole public treasury at your disposal.

Kerry: I will?

Edwards: Yes, John. You will. So don't worry about the phone bill.

Kerry: Okay, John. I won't. I already phoned Bill anyway. He didn't pick up. All right, I have to go.

Click.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004, 8:47 AM:

Bush: Good morning. George Bush.

Kerry: Hi George. John Kerry.

Bush: Uh... I'm sorry. I'm not home right now. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Kerry: Come on, George. I know you're there. Pick up.

Bush: Beep. Leave a message. The lights are on but no one's home. Beep. Beep.

Kerry: Damn it. All right. Well, listen, George—this is John Kerry. I'm just calling to wish you good luck at the polls this evening. I'd say, "Let the best man win," but the best man is Hillary and she won't be running for another four years. So anyway, that's it. I love you. I mean, good luck. All right. I love you. Bye.

Bush: If you're finished with your message, hang up. Or press star for more options.

Kerry: [Hits star.]

Bush: Uh... you pressed an invalid key. If you're finished with your message, hang up. Or press star for more options.

Kerry: I want to review my message. [Hits star.]

Bush: Um, okay. "Hi, this is... John Kerry, and I... uh... I am a wiener. Good luck. Etc. Etc. Vietnam. Nine-eleven. Choo-choo train." Beep. If you're happy with this message, say, "I'm John Kerry, and I approve this message." If you're a flip-flopper, say, "I'm John Kerry, and I'd like to re-record."

Kerry: Oh, I'm not falling for that trick twice. I'm John Kerry, and I approve this message.

Click.

Bush: Hello?

Click.

Bush: Hello?

Kerry: George? Damn it. Why isn't this working?

Bush: If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

Click.

Click.

Click.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004, 8:52 AM:

Kerry: John Kerry speaking.

Operator: This is the operator with a collect call from "John Kerry." Do you accept the charges?

Kerry: John Kerry? Sure.

Kerry: Hi John. John Kerry.

Kerry: Hi John Kerry. John Kerry.

Kerry: John Kerry? Darn. Wrong number. I meant to call John Edwards.

Kerry: No sweat, John. Let's call him on three-way. [Dials number.]

Edwards: Hello. John Edwards.

Kerry: Hi John. John Kerry. I'm here with John Kerry.

Kerry: Hi John.

Kerry: John, John and I just wanted to call you to—wait. Why are we calling again, John?

Kerry: To wish John a happy birthday.

Kerry: That's right. I knew that. Happy birthday, John. Here's to another four years.

Click.

Jonathan David Morris writes a weekly column on politics and personal freedoms for "The Aquarian" and other publications. His website is www.readjdm.com, and he can be reached at [email protected].

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